I'm depressed... Yep pretty sure that's it

WARNING: Literally nothing relating to TG, Captions, Requests or even random nerd talk, just bitching. Mean-spirited, self-loathing. If you like me, maybe dont read this because you might not like me after. Actually, just dont read it.

First I'm going to fucking hit myself. I fucking hate these god damn pity party journals that people do. They're annoying. Everyone has problems and mine certainly aren't anywhere near the level of problems other people have even within my own circles. I know people whose marriages are falling apart and people with legitimate drug issues. Plus whats this even supposed to accomplish? Bitch to no one in-particular to get a bunch of predictable sympathetic comments or worse, no comments at all. I'm not saying I don't appreciate it if you post something like that but I'm a very to-the-point person at my core and lets be honest, nobody can fix anything through a internet comment, at best they can keep me moving forward. I can't speak for everyone but I think the only thing I get out of this is that I can say it to someone and take some of the weight off of me. Its a very dramatic statement but I have, last time I checked, 1 friend. And while he's a great friend and fun to hang out with he's not the person I would go to with my problems. Then again I've never gone to anyone with my problems except the internet because I like it when people make fun of me for my problems and then I feel worse...

I turn 21 in a week. I'm sure people I used to go to school with are ecstatic about turning 21. They're probably making a night of it, going out to get (legally) drunk for the first time with their college buds. I will be sitting in the front yard of my parents house explaining to a bunch of people I don't know and don't care about, why I'm still not in college. And each person that asks will drive me a little crazier deep down. I won't explode like I want to as I know that it will be an expensive party organized by my parents and going ape-shit on the guests would both ruin the party they spent so much time and money throwing but also strain their relationships with all their friends. Thanksgiving falls on my birthday this year (or the other way around, I dont care) which means I will have to politely sit while a bunch of people I don't even know the names of will sing me happy birthday and I'll have to pretend to be embarrassed but happy about it when secretly I'll want to get mad at them just because it would make me feel better. Go all Bruce Wayne, Batman Begins on 'em. At least I can get (legally) drunk for the first time. 

I don't use Facebook. Everytime I do I get depressed. I see friends, 2-3 years through college doing what they've always wanted. I have friends who have already opened up their own businesses, which are very sucessful, and while I should feel happy for them, I just want them to burn alive. I'm not so stupid that I believe facebook represents a persons entire life but it represents some percentage of it. Every time I see a happy couple on there, particularly with kids I would consider 'less cool' than me, (which is saying something as I was never cool) I want to find them and beat them into the ground. My best friends, crushes, bullies and lab partners are all doing better than me.

I'm 21 in a week and I haven't even completed a single College application. I could finish it right now. In the time it took me to type up this shitty journal I could have finished my letter of intent and completed an application. I'm afraid to grow up. What if someone like me can't make it in the real world? I'm mean, I'm a downright asshole, and I'm better at pushing people away and then getting mad at them for leaving than I am at stalking lesbian couples... I have a sort of semi-fake version of me I use on the internet, 'flashkill455' or 'flash' I guess. But Aidan? Aidan is a jackass. I rarely let Aidan write the comments on deviantart. But Aidan is what the real world gets. You can only keep up a nice face for so long in reality before you get exhausted and just let yourself take over. My senior year of highschool I dropped the facade completely. I had no friends, no motivation and no concern for what people thought. I skipped half of the year hiding in the theatre green room. And if people found me I told em to fuck off. I jacked off in there actually... I even threw free ice cream at a bunch of kids for politely giving it to me. After a man gave a speech on how much he loved our school and teared up. And this is the guy who has to become an adult in the adult world and not get thrown in prison? 

I love proving people wrong. I've heard so many times about how I can accomplish anything, I'll do great things, I'm more intelligent than all my peers etc,etc. I want to rob a bank just to prove all those people wrong. I have no special skills, no motivation to improve the few I do have, and a family that still thinks I'm trying my hardest to get into school. I had six months to prepare a portfolio. Instead I procrastinated until the last minute and filled it with a bunch of old drawing I did years ago including some notebook doodles. I can see the day now, they realize I'm not accepted anywhere and kick me out, I have to fend for myself and either
a) become homeless
b) get a shitty job, live in a shitty apartment and die alone.

That die alone thing is sort of an all scenario sort of ending. Even if I get a good job I don't talk to women. They don't talk to me. I have never been complimented, propositioned or even had interest expressed in me. Every single time I've asked someone out I've been declined. And why shouldn't they. I'm not attractive, I'm not cool, I wear exclusively sweat pants, and I'm terrible at empathizing and comforting people. So I can't even be the rebound guy. I don't even try anymore. Every girl is out of my league, taken(usually by another girl, I have a thing for lesbians I guess) and honestly, I don't really like them anyway because the girls in VN's have much better personalities and looks. So what's a nerdy 21 year old who lives with his parents gonna do? I pretend to be a woman on dating services just to pretend like I could have anyone in the world I wanted. I deleted my real account because no one would even reply to my messages. I tried ugly people, 60 year olds and I even tried other men. I swear I could go to a red-light district with my entire savings and still be turned down. I went on tinder, set the search settings as broad as possible and just swept right on every single person without looking at them until I ran out of people. No one matched with me. 1456 people and not one said ok except for scam accounts trying to get me to look at some webcam. And before you say anything, yes, I know everyone bitches about love but when you're the one guy from your childhood, a guy who you would assume would at least get mid, low-mid ranking from women is the only one who still hasnt even held hands than I think Im aloud to be depressed about it.

So what have we accomplished? I've poured out my soul and I don't feel any better. In fact I'm already regretting posting this. Maybe I'll delete it later... But the damage will be done. If you actually read all that congratulations. I hope you got something useful out of it because I sure didnt. The one thing I can say at the end of all this is, I love this community. I don't talk with all of you very much and I'm far from the most prolific member of this community but the deviantart TG society (as a vague collection not the specific group) means a lot to me. Its weird since I know very little about all of you. In fact I know that a lot of you are closer to each other than you are to me based on what I read here and there but even then... I value the small connections I've made here. For a few brief moments every day just seeing that people read and enjoyed my captions or even just my dumb status posts makes me feel like I've done something worthwhile. Honestly outside of my family and Fighting Games DeviantArt is one of the only constants in my life, one of the few things I can grab onto and be sure it wont change. I don't know if anyone remembers but a few months ago a lot of people were threatening to leave DA and I was legitimately afraid. 

So assuming you haven't read all that and never want to talk to me again (and if you think "hey it wasnt that bad", I have worse stories to tell.) please continue to drop by, ask for dumb Pokemon/Naruto captions, and then point out my typos. It means more to me than you could know. Because along with food, dogs and video games its one of the only things I can really be happy about.

(Seriously though, no more Naruto requests.)